The Clumsy Interloper

Thinking of a company name is maddeningly difficult. You want something that conveys information without being too generic. You want something that is clever but not esoterically so. There is “Windy City Pizza” in Chesapeake and there is “The DC Chi Pie” in, appropriately enough, D.C. I needed something to separate myself from my esteemed fellow Virginia deep dish pizzaiolos.

I did some light Googling at came across this Chicago magazine piece from 2021. I recalled Steve Goodman’s classic song “A Dying Cubs Fan’s Last Request” in which he opens, “By the shore’s of old Lake Michigan, where the Hawk wind blows so cold.” I remembered sunny July afternoons at Wrigley Field in the late 1980’s watching opposing runners attempt to go from first to third on a single only to have Andre Dawson (a.k.a. The Hawk) gun them down from right field. But then I listened to the spoken word intro to the song “Dead End Street” by Lou Rawls which cemented my decision – I wanted my company to be named Hawk City Pizza.   

“I was born in a city the called the Windy City
And they called it the Windy City because of the Hawk
The Hawk. The All-Mighty Hawk
Mr. Wind
Takes care of plenty business around winter time”

Now, I want to address the loogie sized elephant in the room. On June 11^th, 2024 a video was posted on YouTube that inadvertently rebranded the word “Hawk” into the sound made gathering phlegm into one’s mouth prior to “tuahing” it onto another’s genitals. Yes, I know, the internet is undefeated when it comes to content. (Editors Note: Anyone over 60 please Google “Hawk Tuah” for context).

I read pieces like this from Slate and wondered along with the rest of America when this frenzy would subside. However four months later it appears that Haliey is leaning into this, forming a podcast Talk Tuah and licensing a reality show. Rolling Stone even called her “a charming Gen Z Dolly Parton who’s rightfully becoming America’s Sweetheart”.

To be clear, I don’t have any animus towards Haliey Welch. I’m actually going to take a page from her book and lean into this. I considered changing the name but despite the humorous association I still think it’s the right name. After all, there is always the possibility that I can get some meaningful SEO crossbleed:

If a media empire built on a blowjob joke can sustain, then surely there is room enough for a humble pizza company. If you make a Hawk Tuah joke when you pick up your pie, I won’t be mad. It just confirms that my company name is memorable, or dare I say, sticky?

I know, I know I went to far there.