The Clumsy Interloper

The following is an excerpt from Glennon Doyle’s book “Untamed” poking fun at the societal expectations of parental responsibility throughout the last few generations:

My grandmothers’ memo: Here is the baby. Take it home and let it grow. Let it speak when spoken to. Carry on with your lives.

My mother’s memo: Here is your baby. Take her home and then get together each day with your friends who also have these things. Drink Tab before four o’clock and wine coolers after. Smoke cigarettes and play cards. Lock the kids out of the house and let them in only to eat and sleep.

Our memo: Here is your baby. This is the moment you have been waiting for your entire life: when the hole in your heart is filled and you finally become complete. If, after I put this child in your arms, you sense anything other than utter fulfillment, seek counseling immediately. After you hang up with the counselor, call a tutor. Since we have been speaking for three minutes, your child is already behind. Have you registered her for Mandarin classes yet? I see. Poor child. Listen closely: Parent is no longer a noun — those days are done. Parent is now a verb, something you do ceaselessly. Think of the verb parent as synonymous with protect, shield, hover, deflect, fix, plan, and obsess. Parenting will require all of you; please parent with your mind, body, and soul. Parenting is your new religion, within which you will find salvation. This child is your savior. Convert or be damned. We will wait while you cancel all other life endeavors. Thank you.

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While obviously played for humor, the truth of this passage resonated with me. The research boom in childhood development coupled with the rapid ascension of the internet age has delivered us to an inescapable nexus: We ARE the Parental Guilt Generation.

If you are a parent of young children, you likely engage with parenting content daily via podcasts, Instagram or Facebook accounts, Audible books or, most ubiquitously, the neighbor or friend who chats you up about their recent struggles with bedtime routines. We are information seeking beings who have adapted to collect as many data points as possible before determining what suits our cultural attitudes, situational needs and personal moral hierarchy. This behavior has only accelerated now that smartphones deliver us a steady stream of NYT Op-eds, longitudinal studies, #parentfail memes, ADHD medication pontification and TED Talks. Our information pool has turned into an ocean and we, the parents, are lost at sea.

On the other side of the coin, the term “Gentle Parenting” is likely to induce a cascade of eyerolls from most grandparents in their 70’s and 80’s. I don’t blame them because they were raised by the hardscrabble generation that felt the psychological weight of the great depression. The term “parenting strategy” in 1950’s America was probably a misnomer. In an age of accepted corporal punishment and seen-but-not-heard austerity, the idea of building connections with children through empathy, respect, and positive discipline seems like it would be downright confusing. 

Due to this divide, I have the sense that most Baby Boomers feel they did an exceptional job during their child rearing years – hot meals were eaten, family vacations were taken and diplomas were rendered in the end. They fulfilled their social contract. The extent to which they did or did not validate their children’s feelings probably does not play into their self-appraisal. This is not a value judgement, just an observation.

Gen X and Millennial parents have thereby been branded with scarlet phrases for their perceived capitulation to their child’s emotional needs. Helicopter parent. Toxic positivity. Participation trophy. Safe spaces. The Coddled Generation. As is the nature of our species, the older you get the more comfortable the clasp feels when hand wringing about the younger generations. After all, no one in the Greatest Generation had a “calm down tent” in their room and they won us World War II.

Now, I’m not here to throw down the gauntlet on behalf of all Circle of Security parents out there. I don’t think any of us have it right and that’s the point. This whole parenting process is a trial-and-error enterprise. We build upon how our experiential genesis effected us and how we want to pay forward that knowledge. We love our parents not because they are perfect, but because they are human. They teach us through their triumphs and failures. Evolutionarily speaking, they are Beta versions of us just as our children are the 2.0 edition of us.

In the end, the parenting guilt you feel does not serve you. I repeat, it 👏 does 👏 not 👏 serve 👏 you. Look in the mirror once a day and say, “You are crushing it” and MEAN IT – because you are. Showing up everyday and, despite all odds, finding that love and softness inside of you and sharing it with your child is your legacy. Have grace for yourself and for your parents because, remember, we will all soon be labeled obsolete technology in the parenting march of time.